


The Big Book

by Chimie_Chat



Category: Green Arrow (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics), Titans (Comics)
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, Sobriety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 21:42:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21327145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chimie_Chat/pseuds/Chimie_Chat
Summary: Learning how to live sober isn't just saying "no" to your addictions. It's relearning social skills, figuring out how to take care of yourself, trying not to hate yourself for your mistakes, and just hoping you have enough willpower to get through it.Take a deep breath. Look at the support you have. Keep working the program. You got this.
Relationships: Roy Harper/Jason Todd
Comments: 8
Kudos: 193





	The Big Book

It was funny how a situation that should have been perfectly normal could suddenly be so stressful. A clink as glasses tipped against one another. The oh-so-familiar EDM bass beat that filled the air until it practically vibrated against his skin. The clammy feeling in the palms of his hands…

Roy took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to occupy his thoughts with literally anything other than the 1.75 milliliter bottle just on the other side of the table. His eyes were trained on the deep honey color of the liquid inside while his fingers traced the circle of condensation his own cup left behind on the vinyl tablecloth. 

Stop staring. Come on Harper. You can do this. He tore his eyes away, screwing them shut as he brought his cup up to his lips and took a sip of shirley temple. The artificial flavor of grenadine tasted way too sweet, but the bubble of the soda against his gums made him relax ever so slightly. That was the feeling he loved. Not exactly, but it was pretty damn close. Not a day went by that he didn’t imagine the ghost of beer fizz on his lips, but if he could mimic it, even slightly, then it made this shitty situation just that much easier. 

Living Sober, a book written by and for alcoholics, suggested keeping a sweet drink in your hand any time you would be near alcohol. Needless to say, ever since he managed to start this bout of sobriety, Roy had kept nothing but sugary drinks in hand at all times. His soda intake had gone through the roof. But hey. At least he wasn’t drinking.

He wasn’t drinking.

_ He _ wasn’t drinking. 

That would be great… If he wasn’t surrounded by people who were. It was some kind of get-together; a bad attempt at rekindling friendships between his former Titans team, his current Outlaws, and various other vigilantes in their age range. That was a lie. It was just gonna be the Titans. At least, that’s what it started as. That’s what the plan was. To be perfectly honest, Roy hadn’t wanted to go at  _ all _ . Did he like his friends? Sure. That was the word for it. They were like a second, third, and fourth family to him after all. But he knew them all too well. He knew that spending time with them would mean white knuckling it as they drank. Them pretending they were being conscious of his predicament while simultaneously clinking their shot glasses together. God he didn’t want to be here.

“So then Wally turned to the guy and saidー”

“No! You’re gonna do it wrong!” The speedster cut Dick off with a hand over the guy’s mouth. Wally. The only other member of this ragtag group that wasn’t some form of intoxicated right now. It wasn’t by choice though. No matter how much the man drank, his metahuman genealogy made it impossible for him to get drunk. What a lucky prick. “So I turned to the guy and saidー”

Roy took another sip of his shirley temple. 

“Hold on. I’m gonna go get another one.” Donna pushed up from her seat, and Roy couldn’t help but look at her face. The woman’s face always got a pink glow after she’d had a few. It was a sure tell that she was getting close to her limit, but everyone knew she wasn’t going to stop any time soon. She walked with her highball glass to the bar counter on the other side of the sleazy joint they were in and waved down the bartender. 

“Oh yeah. Another!” Dick reached for the bottle of gold Jose Cuervo and poured himself another shot. That was just like Dick. Always sloppy.

Still. Roy watched the tequila pour and couldn’t help but lick his lips. God he loved tequila. He remembered when he first started drinking, and would still pour salt on the back of his hand and bite into a lime wedge with each shot. When had he stopped relying on tricks to keep it down? When had it started going down like water? By the time he was about… Eighteen maybe? No. Probably seventeen. The ginger man felt a shiver roll down his spine. Right. That’s why we quit. Because it was too easy not to.

He reached for his pocket, opening up his wallet and peaking at the orange colored coin inside. Two months. Two whole months. He pulled it out slightly and reach the inscription on the back.

_ God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. _

The prayer played on repeat in his head like a broken record. He could do this. Just an outing with friends. He could do this.

“ーgrade, right?” 

It took a moment for Roy to realize someone was talking to him. “Huh?” He slipped his coin back into his wallet and looked up to find Lilith staring right at him from across the table. To be honest, he didn’t remember talking to this girl all that much. At least not recently. Not since she moved to the… Oh lord where had she moved to. West coast? That sounded right. Wow. He was a really shitty friend. “Sorry, what was that?”

“Lian. She’s in the first grade now, isn’t she?” The red headed girl swirled her straw through her strawberry daiquiri. 

“Oh uhー”

“She’s still in kindergarten.” The voice came with a weight leaning down on Roy’s shoulder, and the man didn’t have to look up to know exactly whose it was. Jason fucking Todd, hopefully here to save the day. 

“That so? How nice.” Lilith seemed to accept this, smiling over the lip of her drink, and for some reason not using to straw to take a sip. Why? What was the point of that? Using the straw made it easier to get straight to the rum that settled at the bottom of the glass.

“Hey Jaybird. Better late than never, asshole.” Roy smacked the guy’s arm away. 

“Hit some traffic.” The man just shrugged before dragging a chair away from another table and somehow fitting it between Roy’s and Donna’s. Probably for the better. “Didn’t realize yous guys would get the party started without me.”

“What? You think we’re just gonna wait for ya?” The archer did his best to flash a grin as he lifted his glass, tipping it back against his lips, only to find out that it was empty. So instead he pulled one of the ice cubes into his mouth and chewed on it. Ok. That worked too.

Jason eyed him for a second. “Want me to get you another?” 

“Nah, I’ll be fine.” Roy placed the glass down, tapping his fingers against the sides of it.

“Hold on a sec. Hey waiter!” Jason called out towards some poor, underpaid girl in a waist-apron. He waved her over. “Can we get anotherー Wait what were you drinking?”

Roy felt his nerves spike. He didn’t like announcing his prissy, sissy drinks to the world. He had this manly persona to keep up. Someone like him  _ should _ be ordering a glass of whiskey. Someone like him  _ should _ be getting ready to slam down another jägerbomb, then disappear into the bathroom to do a line of some sketchy shit he bought off some random guy in the parking lot. “The usual.” He muttered.

“Alright so Imma need a gingerale, and a shirley temple. Make sure to put a few extra cherries in there for me too, if ya could.” Jason rattled off the order without any need for clarification. Damn. This bastard really knew him too well. 

With the waitress gone ー he was oddly nervous about eavesdroppers ー Roy felt like he could relax again. “You’re not drinking?”

“Nah. I’m good.” Jason shrugged before stretching an arm over the back of Roy’s chair. It was casual. Nothing odd about it at all.

“Oh. Ok then.”

“Jayyy?” Dick’s slurred words interrupted. “When’d you get’ere?”

“I’ve been here this whole time.”

Roy couldn’t help but snort at the confused expression on the man’s face as he sincerely tried to remember whether or not Jason had, in fact, been with them since the beginning. Eventually, the acrobat just shrugged, and took a sip of some highlighter blue drink he’d somehow acquired. Well, Donna was back, so maybe she brought it for him. 

“Dick slow down.” Wally tried to grab at the end of the glass, but their drunken mess of a leader pulled it tight into his chest instead.

“No! I’m only on like…” They all watched as the man counted on his fingers, before holding up one hand. “I’m on drink seven. I’m fine!”

What a lightweight. Seven drinks was nothing. Roy needed bare minimum twelve strong ones. 

“What an idiot.” He heard Jason mumble. 

“Our fearless leader.” Roy dipped his fingers into his cup and pulled up another ice cube. If this is what he was stuck with, then that was fine. Damn. When was that new drink gonna get here?

Jason looked him over. “You doing ok?” The question was whispered.

There was a pause as Roy just let the ice cube melt on the top of his tongue. He sucked on it lightly, tasting the residual sugar that it must have picked up from the syrup. “Yeah. I’m alright.”

“Don’t lie to me, Harper.”

The stern tone in Jason’s voice made Roy chuckle and roll his eyes. “Yes  _ Mom _ .” He looked off at the decorations on the wall of the pub, lifting his hands to adjust the cap on his head. He couldn’t quite decide if he wanted it to face forward or back, but he decided to settle on forward for now. “Yeah. I think I’m ok. I’m making it by at least.”

“Alright, man." 

They somehow integrated themselves into the conversation again, though it was mostly Jason making sarcastic comments on whatever trash left their increasingly drunken friend's mouths, while Roy stayed on the sidelines. The waitress coming back was the biggest blessing he'd had since sitting down. He immediately pulled one of four maraschino cherries out and popped it into his mouth, the cool gush of the juice kicking his senses back into gear. 

There were several moments where he thought of jumping into the conversation, and putting in his two cents. Instead, he leaned back in his chair, and thought about which AA meetings he could get to this week. As fun as the seven thirty am meeting was, it seemed like he would be out late tonight, so he probably wouldn't be able to get up for it. He could probably get to a noon meeting, but he really preferred the noon NA meetings. It's been a skinny minute since he's gone to NA actually…. Well he didn't really have anything to do tomorrow, so he could go to that, and then stick around for the four o'clock AA, and then pick up a Happy Meal for Lian for dinner. Yeah. That would work. She loved getting those toys too.

It wasn't until Jason tapped on the back of his chair that Roy realized he'd really let himself zone out. He frowned. That wasn't like him at all. He needed to be more active in the conversations; at the very least, crack some jokes. He listened in on Donna attempting to lecture the rest of their teammates on the buddy system, before he finally jumped back in. 

"Oh come on, baby. How much trouble could they get in?" He grinned, leaning on his elbows.

Apparently, this question caused some kind of horror, cause the star-spangled girl immediately looked at him in shock. " _ A lot _ , actually."

"Nah. They'll totally be fine." He waved her off, crossing his arms behind his head. Did he know the context? Not at all. Fake it 'til ya make it, am I right?

"Oh my god you really are all dumbasses." The woman hung her head in her hands.

"Uh hey. Don't lump me in with this." Jason frowned. "I'm not part of your little troupe."

"No you just stole Roy from us." Wally jabbed, pushing the now empty tequila bottle to the other side of the table. When did it get empty? Who drank it? Who drank the most tonight?

"This idiot? You can have him back any time."

"Ouch. Tell me how you really feel."

The chatter stayed pretty consistent, and for a while the archer was actually feeling quite comfortable. This was easy. Talking. He could do that. Now that drinks seemed to be done with, and they could all collectively agree to give Dick shit for how he was acting, this was all fine. Wow. Being sober was great. Going out with friends, knowing that he'd remember getting home? Amazing. Not googling the nearest ATM so he could get cash to blow on smack? Definitely saving the bank.

He could do this. This time, he'd make it work. This time he'd go through the steps, and rely on his sponsor when he needed it. He’d do a ninety in ninety, and collect those chips like they were Pokémon cards. He could build a display for them. He loved building things, and tinkering, and he’d been looking for a new project. He could make enough spots for a whole years worth. It would give him that bit of motivation he needed. 

He vaguely caught a whiff of a glass of wine being served at another table, and flicked his wallet open again to see the picture of his daughter he kept over his license. That right there was his main reason for keeping clean. That smile.

He had to do this.

“Dude, you ok?” Wally’s voice shook Roy out of whatever train of thought he’d somehow wandered down.

“Huh?” He rubbed his thumb back and forth over the photograph. 

“Idunnoman.” The fellow redhead shrugged, tipping his chair back on its hind legs. “You just seem out of it. Really weird too. You’re not talkin’ all that much either.”

“Um…” Roy pulled the lip of his baseball cap down over his face, and took a breath. “Yeah, man. I’m doing fine.” 

“You sure? Cause like, you just seem different andー”

“He’s the same as he always is.” Jason practically slammed ー well, loudly placed down ー his soda. The action itself wasn’t very threatening, but the glare that came along with it wasn’t one you’d want to be on the other end of.

For some ungodly reason, rather than just dropping it, this asshole just had to keep pushing. Man, fuck speedsters. Sure, Wally was one of his best friends, but like… Screw you, man. “But like… I dunno it just doesn’t really seem like you wanna be here.” He doesn’t. “Like you didn’t have to come, but since you’re here you could likeー”

“What?” Roy felt his face drop. No. No that wasn’t what he was thinking at all. “Dude, I was the one that suggested we get together in the first place.” It was his sponsor’s idea. Rekindling old friendships was supposed to help him relearn how to be social. 

“Not to start an argument here,” Oh god Donna not you too. “But I do agree that you’re acting different than you normally do. If something’s wrong, you know you can talk to us.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” Nothing’s wrong with you guys, but everything’s wrong with him. Roy felt his heartbeat picking up. Was he really that… weird? He thought… He thought he was doing so well…”

“You surー”

“ _ Leave it. _ ” Jason cut in again, this time a lot more forceful. Thank his Higher Power for this guy. Honestly? Where the hell would he be without this guy? The angry, warning voice came with a hand on Roy’s thigh, which he hadn’t realized was bouncing at about a mile a minute. It gripped, and Roy stilled.

“It’s fine, Jay.” He whispered, though he placed his hand down on top of the other’s. “It’s…” He took a deep breath. “Actually, can I go?”

Jason just nodded, instantly pushing his chair back. “It’s pretty late. You probably gotta pick Lian up from the sitter, right?” Thank you for making up an excuse. Thank you so much.

“Shit. You’re right.” He did his best to feign like he’d completely forgotten about that. He didn’t actually have to pick Lian up until the morning. He’d made plans just in case he fucked up tonight. She didn’t deserve to see him any kind of distressed, or under any kind of influence. She didn’t deserve to know her daddy was such a fucking mess. He looked back towards his friends, making sure to smile even though he really didn’t feel up to it. “Sorry guys. We should do this again next week though.”

“Totally!” Lilith jumped in with a smile. She was always nice. Wow. He seriously needed to talk to her more. At the time, it didn’t occur to him that she was a psychic, and could probably read the sheer distress that was rolling through him. No. That was something he wouldn’t realize until tomorrow. “I’ll make sure to keep my weekend free for you. Oh, could you bring Lian next time? I haven’t seen her in ages.”

Any excuse to think about his little Squeaker was an excuse to actually feel good. “I’ll send you a picture of something she drew a few days ago. I think you’d like it. Well uh…” He looked to Jason, who was pulling a wad of cash out of his pocket ー no wallet apparently ー and dropping it on the table. It was more than enough to cover both of their drinks. “Yeah. I’ll see you later.”

He vaguely registered a very drunken goodbye from Dick, and what sounded like Wally getting smacked ー he deserved it ー as he pushed his way out of the pub, his feet carrying him faster than would be deemed normal, but he wasn’t quite running, so that was probably fine? 

The cold night air filled his lungs when he stepped into the parking lot and it was… It was so much. The combination of finally able to release that tension from white knuckling it through the past few hours, and the shame of apparently being a bad friend made him just.... Men don’t cry. They don’t. They’re not supposed to, but right now, standing outside of a shitty dive joint he didn’t even want to go to in the first place, stuffing his hands into his armpits because  _ of course _ he hadn’t brought a jacket, he could just feel the sting in the corners of his eyes; the pool, and the threat that this of all places was where he was finally going to break down, and… God he just… He felt so  _ useless _ . 

Hinges cried out as the door opened and slammed shut, before a body was standing right next to him. He didn’t have to look up to know is was Jason. It was always Jason. Soon that slightly stained, definitely thrifted leather jacket that was so iconically  _ him _ was being draped around Roy’s shoulders. First he felt the warmth. The smell of cigarette smoke came as he muttered his thanks, and adjusted the coat so his arms could be shoved into the sleeves. One of Jason’s hands dug through the jacket’s outer pocket, and pulled out a Marlboro box and an old fashioned zippo. The only sound between them was the repeated flicks of the lighter, before Jason took his first drag. “Want it?” He held it between them.

Roy looked at it, before shaking his head. “Stopped that too.” 

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Nah. It’s fine. You didn’t know.” He pulled at the collar of the jacket, and took a deep breath. “It was the easiest thing to quit.”

“I bet.” The cigarette was only half finished when Jason tossed it to the ground and snubbed it out with the toe of his boot. “I know you didn’t drive. Want me to take you home, or do you want to come back with me?”

Roy thought about it. Home would be empty right now. That didn’t sound great. Of course, Jay would stay if he asked. But they both knew who had the more comfortable bed. “Your place.”

“Cool.” A finger and thumb pinch at the hem of one of Roy’s pockets and gave a tug. “Come on. My bike’s over here.” 

Roy let himself be led. “Don’t you think a car would be smarter in this weather?”

There was a slight hum, though they both knew there was no way Red Hood would ditch his bike for a Honda Civic. The only reason Roy traded his out was because a carseat couldn’t fit on his Harley. “Nah. I think I’m good. ‘Sides. I got good tires.” 

Jason was parked on the other side of the lot, which was awfully far from the entrance to the pub, but really close to the road. He always did that. Closer to the road meant it was easier to get away. They did a lot of that; getting away. 

The second seat popped open, and Jay pulled out the ever-iconic Red Hood helmet, holding it under his arm as he held out a second, all black one out. “Can’t have your brains splatting all over the road.”

He couldn’t help the chuckle that left him. “Damn, how bad did your driving get?” Roy took the helmet and just… Stared at it. The tinted face shield would make it impossible for anyone to identify the wearer, but it still somehow caught a glare from a nearby street lamp. He felt himself frowning at it. “Hey… Jay?”

“Yeah?”

“Am I…” He swallowed. He didn’t actually know what question he wanted to ask. Words were never his strong suit. Action always worked best for him. Punching things, and shooting things, and… and… What else did he like? Maybe he didn’t need to ask a question right now. Actions. Doing things. Yeah. That’s what he needed right now. He needed to do  _ something _ . Anything. Anything that would make him not think about the bees in his teeth. “Sorry. I’m being and idiot.”

“Hey. None of that.” Jason hung his helmet on the handlebars before stepping in and pulling the one out of Roy’s hands, placing it on the leather seat. Hands found their spot on Roy’s shoulders, squeezing them in a really awful massage, then traveled up to grip much more reassuringly at the back of the man’s neck. One pulled at the brim of Roy’s hat and twisted it around. “You’re doing great, Roy. You’re doing really great.”

He nodded, letting his partner step into his space. His head fell when thumbs rubbed into the tangles on the back of his neck. 

“Roy. Bud, at me.”

He shook his head.

Hot breath fanned over his face in time with the forehead that pressed against his own. The leather strap from his cap made it awkward, but neither man made any effort to move. “You’re going great, Roy. I’m so proud of you for getting through that.”

“I justー” The archer swallowed the lump in his throat. “I need it to stick this time. I can’t mess up this time.”

“You won’t.” Jason whispered. 

“How could you possibly know that?”

“Cause I know you, and you’re a hard ass.” It broke the tension just enough for both of them to give a slight laugh. Then, Jason pulled back, smiling as he looked into Roy’s eyes. “You can beat this. I know you can.”

Roy swallowed and nodded. He reached forward, gripping into that shitty, high-thread count polo shirt the other man was wearing. God he hated how that one piece of clothing probably cost more than his own full outfit. Every fiber of his being craved everything he couldn’t have. He craved the absolute lack of control and massive confidence boost alcohol gave him. He craved the clarity and creativity LSD opened his eyes to. He craved the euphoric rush of cocaine, and peaceful relaxation of weed. First and foremost, he craved the mellow, the “world is beautiful” feeling, the “life is worth living” feeling…. He craved just how fucking nice heroin was. Roy felt himself shaking, as he met Jason’s eyes, and he just  _ knew _ what the pleading expression on his face looked like. A glance of blue eyes over his absolute mess of an expression, and he knew Jason had figured it out too. 

Lips pressed together, groundless and chapped, but enough to fill that last craving up. For now. Roy sighed and leaned in close, ignoring the voice of his sponsor in the back of his mind telling him just how stupid he was to be starting something with his best friend right now. No offence Waylon, but you’re an idiot if you don’t think this hasn’t been in the works for years, and an ass for trying to get him to stop now. 

“Better?” Jason asked, pulling back just slightly. 

Roy closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his senses filling with that cigarette smell that clung to his partner. “Not really. But thanks.”

“Is there a meeting tonight I can take you to?” A hand gently pushed the motorcycle helmet back to Roy. “Or I can take you in the morning. I’ll go with you.”

“Tomorrow…” Roy nodded. “I wanna go to my homegroup. It’s in Star City though.”

“Easy.” Jason grinned, and stepped back, grabbing his mask and throwing it on, before swinging a leg over his bike. 

“You sure?” For the first time in what felt like all night, Roy felt that stupid, broken smirk of his form on his face again. “The early bird meeting is at seven thirty.”

That seemed to make Jason pause for a moment. Bats weren’t exactly known for being early to rise. “I’ll make it work.”

“So difficult.” He took his cap off and jammed it into the inside zipper pocket of the leather jacket, then put his own helmet on, before hopping on the bike. He gripped at the strap of Jason’s belt, curling his fingers tight around it. He wasn’t about to be caught dead wrapping his arms around the dude’s waist. “Thanks, Jaybird. I mean it.”

The engine roared to life, and he shut his eyes, once again reciting the usual prayer in his mind.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Keep coming back. It works if you work it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Addiction is a disease, and while it can seem impossible to overcome, there are plenty of resources available. A quick Google search will find the AA or NA program closest to you. These programs are free to join. It doesn't matter if you are new to sobriety, have years of recovery under your belt, or just looking for a new way of life. 
> 
> Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Keep coming back. You'll be ok.


End file.
